^How I feel about a lot of “photographers” LOL
Sometimes life is just about making the wrong turns in the right direction <3
Is what I should do, but I think my heart already knows );
It’s weird to think I used to look like that, and in my perspective, I thought I was pretty. If not pretty, at least decent. I weighed under 100 lbs my whole high school career, and more often than not, I was the girl that people whispered “I bet she doesn’t eat,” and “damn, she’s hella skinny, she needs to eat more.” Every time I went over to friends’ houses (though this is excusable if you’re filipino), their mothers would say “Rose! Why are you so skinny? Eat this, take this home with you, you need to gain weight.” For a long time I was uncomfortably aware of how skinny I was, especially when I could never find size 00/0 jeans ANYWHERE. Over time, however, I realized it was just my metabolism. No matter how much I ate, I just never seemed to gain weight, so I stopped caring. I became more comfortable with my body and started to test the waters out in modeling or just posing for friend’s photo/art projects & that was fun. Who cared if others thought I was too skinny? I thought I looked fine, and I was physically healthy as well. Isn’t that all matters?
But then I got a boyfriend, and we went out to eat all the time, i stopped dancing, school work got in the way of exercise, etc. It’s not an excuse, it’s true: things do just get in the way. I thought I could hold on to my metabolism for my whole life, but after eating out so much I obviously gained weight. At first I was excited because I had yet to reach 100lbs and my family was rooting me on to keep gaining weight so I could get to 100lbs. So I did. I now weigh 112 and I pretty much hate myself. Why? I don’t know. I can’t even blame it on the media, although some of the celebrities have rocking bodies it’s not exactly what I’m aiming for. I want to be healthy, but pretty- doesn’t everyone? What I hate, though, is the contradictory feedback I’ve gotten from people I thought really cared about me. My sister finds every possible chance to tell me I’m fat. Today, I went to the mall with her and my boyfriend, and I had two free coupons for Coldstones. I had just went to the gym, and thought I might as well use the coupon. When we were standing in line, my sister poked my stomach and sneered at me, and instantly I wanted to cry. It may be because I’m PMSing and my hormones are whack, but I really did try hard not to burst into tears. Instead I just put the coupons back into my purse and walked off. It really, really hurt my feelings. I’ve been going to the gym and trying to lose the excess weight that people told me I should gain. Once I gained it, suddenly, “I was too chunky” or “my thighs were too big.” My mother continues to make fun of me when I get out of the shower by saying various things like “mei mei, you look like you’re getting fatter” or “are you pregnant?”
SERIOUSLY. AM I PREGNANT?! I only weigh 112 pounds. Women who are obese would KILL to be 112 pounds, and yet I’m scrutinized just because I don’t look the way I used to. It’s ridiculous. First people tell me I’m too skinny, then people tell me I’m too fat. What the fuck do you want? I am obviously not perfect and it would probably ruin me both physically and mentally to stay in between. I want to say Idgaf about what people say, but I do. It makes me incredibly self conscious when my family members tell me “that makes you look fat” or “you should change cause I can see your tummy.” And this is coming from my sister who has been overweight since she had a kid 3 years ago. Great.
So I guess my new years resolution this year is to just get healthy and to get to the point where I think I’m beautiful. Every girl needs self-confidence, despite what others may say. I miss the feeling of being comfortable in my own skin.
Kristen Stewart. I don’t know why she seems to get these amazing leading roles (like Snow White in Snow White & The Huntsmen) because I seriously can’t stand her. I can’t stand her voice, her expressionless face, and the horror that was Twilight. I mean she might be a great person, vegetarian, philanthropist, whatever, for all I care. But I am truly and genuinely upset that she has the role for Snow White. When I first saw the preview I became really excited because Snow White is like theeee original loveeeee tale. And like My Lan says, the relationship/dynamic between Snow White and the Huntsman is actually far more interesting than Snow White & the Prince. SIGH. Kristen Stewart. WHYYYY. For some reason I always imagine Amanda Seyfried playing those kinds of roles because her face is so innocent, pale, and beautiful. I guess the only thing Amanda and Kristen have in common is the paleness….but okay. I feel mean now for bashing a celebrity I don’t even know. I’m just sad. SAD.
I could get lost forever in an art/photo gallery, because there is just something intrinsically and spiritually beautiful about good art. To be honest, it’s hard for me to tell the difference between a photo taken by a true photographer compared to a photo taken by an amateur. I’ve wanted to take a class in art history/photography for a while, but I haven’t had the chance or time to do so. But since we’re on this topic, I just have to say, just because you have a “omg my camera is worth 500 dollars and so kewl” type of camera, does NOT make you a photographer. I don’t know why I get so irritated when I see totally n00b chicks with their nifty nikons or cool canons taking pictures left and right, turning them into b/w and calling it art. I know this rant is probably old news and plenty people have presumably complained already…but yeah. It just hit me today when I saw some pictures and people were commenting this chick like she was Guy Bourdin: “OMG this picture is awesome you’re such a great photographerrrr trolrororlekhgahf” -___- kill me now. Actual GREAT photographers (Like you, Tyler!) are so unappreciated. There is a LOT more to photography than finding some pretty object and snapping a picture of it and posting it up to a website so you can get people to “like” it.
Person who is my friend on FB: “Thank god I pray to Buddha every night to keep me safe!”
It’s strange how the people who you love the most have the most power to hurt you. If some stranger came up to you and told you that you were ugly, you’d be offended, but more irritated as opposed to hurt. When someone you love tells you that part of your personality hurts them, it really gets to you. Just one comment, one phrase can rip you apart and you stand back and go, “Wait. Am I really like that?” This leads me to question: How deep does a relationship go? Do I allow myself to be fully and intrinsically absorbed by another person, only to lose myself in the end? Do I continue to put myself out there in hopes that I won’t get hurt?
It seems like there is a never-ending supply of questions and scant amounts of answers. I don’t know if I’ll ever be good enough to make someone “truly happy.” I mean, I can try…isn’t that enough? You’d imagine that almost two years later you’d be firmly cemented in the idea that there is no one else you’d love, but you’d be surprised at how quickly that can be torn away. I don’t really know where to go from here. I’ve accepted so much and tried so hard to change my morals, my ideals…but now my personality, too? Who am I becoming?
There are brighter days on the horizon.
You were the one who didn’t appreciate me.
You were the one who never complimented me.
You were the one who never said thank you enough.
You were the one who I tried TOO hard for.
You were the one who I hated and loved.
You were the one who had flaws I tried to fix.
You were the one who had flaws I tried to ignore.
You were the one.
But I was the one to leave.
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