Say What You Mean.

Resolute.

It’s weird to think I used to look like that, and in my perspective, I thought I was pretty. If not pretty, at least decent. I weighed under 100 lbs my whole high school career, and more often than not, I was the girl that people whispered “I bet she doesn’t eat,” and “damn, she’s hella skinny, she needs to eat more.” Every time I went over to friends’ houses (though this is excusable if you’re filipino), their mothers would say “Rose! Why are you so skinny? Eat this, take this home with you, you need to gain weight.” For a long time I was uncomfortably aware of how skinny I was, especially when I could never find size 00/0 jeans ANYWHERE. Over time, however, I realized it was just my metabolism. No matter how much I ate, I just never seemed to gain weight, so I stopped caring. I became more comfortable with my body and started to test the waters out in modeling or just posing for friend’s photo/art projects & that was fun. Who cared if others thought I was too skinny? I thought I looked fine, and I was physically healthy as well. Isn’t that all matters?

But then I got a boyfriend, and we went out to eat all the time, i stopped dancing, school work got in the way of exercise, etc. It’s not an excuse, it’s true: things do just get in the way. I thought I could hold on to my metabolism for my whole life, but after eating out so much I obviously gained weight. At first I was excited because I had yet to reach 100lbs and my family was rooting me on to keep gaining weight so I could get to 100lbs. So I did. I now weigh 112 and I pretty much hate myself. Why? I don’t know. I can’t even blame it on the media, although some of the celebrities have rocking bodies it’s not exactly what I’m aiming for. I want to be healthy, but pretty- doesn’t everyone? What I hate, though, is the contradictory feedback I’ve gotten from people I thought really cared about me. My sister finds every possible chance to tell me I’m fat. Today, I went to the mall with her and my boyfriend, and I had two free coupons for Coldstones. I had just went to the gym, and thought I might as well use the coupon. When we were standing in line, my sister poked my stomach and sneered at me, and instantly I wanted to cry. It may be because I’m PMSing and my hormones are whack, but I really did try hard not to burst into tears. Instead I just put the coupons back into my purse and walked off. It really, really hurt my feelings. I’ve been going to the gym and trying to lose the excess weight that people told me I should gain. Once I gained it, suddenly, “I was too chunky” or “my thighs were too big.” My mother continues to make fun of me when I get out of the shower by saying various things like “mei mei, you look like you’re getting fatter” or “are you pregnant?” 

SERIOUSLY. AM I PREGNANT?! I only weigh 112 pounds. Women who are obese would KILL to be 112 pounds, and yet I’m scrutinized just because I don’t look the way I used to. It’s ridiculous. First people tell me I’m too skinny, then people tell me I’m too fat. What the fuck do you want? I am obviously not perfect and it would probably ruin me both physically and mentally to stay in between. I want to say Idgaf about what people say, but I do. It makes me incredibly self conscious when my family members tell me “that makes you look fat” or “you should change cause I can see your tummy.” And this is coming from my sister who has been overweight since she had a kid 3 years ago. Great.

So I guess my new years resolution this year is to just get healthy and to get to the point where I think I’m beautiful. Every girl needs self-confidence, despite what others may say. I miss the feeling of being comfortable in my own skin.